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What? You don't know me? It's Christopher Walken -- the greatest dancer, singer, and actor since Christopher Walken.
This one time, I bought a time machine on e-Bay. Now, I know what you're thinking. Christopher, why would
you spend the money on a time machine when that guy with the white hair would loan you his Delorean for free? I'll
tell you. First, I didn't want to worry about getting it back to him on time, and second, the shipping was only $4.99
-- so I figured, why not? So, I take the machine out of the package and threw away the styrofoam peanuts.
Did you know that if you eat styrofoam peanuts, they cause cancer? Even if they're unsalted. Then, I went and
had a coffee at Starbucks. When I came home, I grabbed some toilet paper and and a cowbell, for my fever, and got into
the machine. I traveled back to 1995 and had my picture taken in one of those old-timey picture booths where you can
dress up like it's the 1800s or something. So, I got dressed up and here is my picture that I had taken when I traveled
back in time to the year 1995 in order to watch The Prophecy III in theaters. You can't beat that surround
sound with a ten foot python.
My Favorites
Favorite Band or Musician: My homeboy, Fatboy Slim. My
God, what an eye for talent! I always wanted to bust a move, but never had the chance. Thanks Fatboy.
Favorite TV show: Jeopardy, I like to learn and those Canadians
sure can hold my attention. Like this one time, I saw a building and I needed to know how tall the building was.
I didn't have a ruler that large, but I remembered from Jeopardy that you can use trigonometry and measure the length of the
building's shadow and use another device to measure the angle of the shadow. You then multiply the sine of the angle
by the length of the shadow to give you the height of the building. You know, I didn't actually measure it or do any
of that stuff, but I could have. I yield that much power.
Favorite movie:
The Prophecy, at first I was angry at God because he likes you monkeys better than us. But now, I'm cool with God.
Hell, being an Archangel isn't so bad, I guess,
you know?
Favorite book: The Necronomicon. Suppose you're on a boat near some islands,
say the Catalinas, and this older actress that you're kind of seeing slips off the boat and drowns. Wouldn't it
be nice if you could bring her back to life so the cops don't ask so many questions? Yeah, maybe it's not exactly her
in her body, but it's good enough for the cops.
Favorite sports team:
The Brooklyn Dodgers, well not so much anymore. They have been in Los Angeles a while. I like the Dodgers that were in Brooklyn,
not the ones in Los Angeles. I mean, what are they going to dodge, earthquakes?
Favorite food: The deli and anything that doesn't give me cancer.
My Hobbies
I never was afraid of Frankenstein. Do you know what I am afraid of though? marsupials. You know why? Because
they're fast.
I had these venetian blinds -- beige, I think. They weren't actually mine, I saw them in a Neiman Marcus
catalog. Well anyway, they angered me. They said, "Hecho en México." How the hell is that even close to Italy?
I know the Pope, he is a good guy although he is a bit random. Ever see his Pope-mobile? It reminds me of a marsupial.
Do you want to know why? Not so much because it's fast, but because it drives on the left side of the road. In
Australia, where marsupials live, they drive on the left side of the road, can you believe that? And they use the
metric system. It's a shame about that Steve Irwin guy; he should have been faster, like a marsupial, or at least less
penetrable. What's the deal with the metric system anyway? We all know that it's make-believe.
Most Admired
Jesus Christ. You know, he was a hip cat. There was this guy from Brooklyn when we were kids, his name was Memphis. He
used to make stickball bats for us kids in the neighborhood out of orange crates. I used to tell him, "hey if you
can master carpentry and have the guts to stand up to the Romans, you could be just like Jesus." He died though, due
to a bad batch of toilet wine in Riker's. What was the question?
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